DUI
by iq-of-a-banana
Summary: The untold story of Nightwings sixteenth birthday. Includes alcohol and under aged drinking. Oneshot. Just stupid teenagers being stupid. T for language and drinking.


"Are you guys sure this is okay?"

Nightwing looked suspiciously at the bottle, sniffing it and sneezing at its string scent. He frowned when Wally, as Kid Flash, grabbed the bottle and poured it into a cup full of fruit juice and offered it to him.

"Yea, it's fine," Roy assured, looking up from his own drink, "A little alcohol never hurt anyone. At least, not if they drink responsibly. Which we will."

Dick took the cup but still looked unsure. Wally smiled and put his arm around the bird.

"Chill out dude. It's your sixteenth birthday. You're allowed to drink a little as long as we're here."

The brunette sighed and took a little sip, wondering how the hell he'd gotten into this position.

Oh yeah. His idiot friends. Funny how they always end up the root of his problems.

It had been like any other birthday. He'd show up at the cave, get a kiss (Or multiple kisses), chill with friends, then go home. From there he'd get a "Happy birthday, Master Dick", a "Happy birthday Richard", and, as of lately, a "Happy sixteenth Bro". Then he'd get ready for patrol and be on his merry way.

Only this year he didn't get to go on his merry way.

On the roofs a ways away from the manor two beings bearing gifts in the form of Grey Goose arrived, making tempting promises of a good time and a useful learning experience. They coerced him into laying down his arms and joining them in a night of under aged drinking to celebrate his coming of age. Together, the trio sat themselves down and opened the bottle, letting a fountain of suds pour out, eventually giving way to a liquid he'd never had! The glistening vodka cascaded from the bottle, joining a fruity beverage already taking refuge in a cup of-

Whoa.

Dick stared at the fruit juice vodka mix in his hand and decided that if this stuff was going to make his internal monologue sound like that then maybe it wasn't such a good idea to drink. Especially with those two watching him. He had no doubt that they were going to take a video or something if he got too intoxicated.

"Uh," Dick started, draining the rest of the cup, "I think I've have enough. Thanks, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to drink too much. I'm still a minor and if Bats find out I won't live to be seventeen."

Red Arrow, already on his second cup, just clapped him on the back and refilled his cup, using more vodka than juice this time.

"You worry too much," Red said, "It's your birthday. You should just have fun and let Kid and me worry about everything else, okay? And come on, you have to be curious about what it feels like to be drunk."

Dick had to admit, he had a point. He took another hesitant sip, already feeling slightly buzzed from his first cup. This was some quality stuff.

"Dude, Don't even worry," Wally said, smiling sweetly, "We won't let you get too drunk that you can't walk, okay? Just have a good time and trust us okay? We'll take care of you."

LALALALALALALALALALA

"Dude! Ah aha! He's so messed up!"

Wally and Roy were on the floor, rolling around laughing at their usually very composed friend.

Nightwing was attempting to stand, failing every time. He'd get up on his hands and knees only to lose his balance and roll over. He looked confused for a moment but then laughed with them.

The bottle of vodka was lying empty by the cups, the liquid having made it's way into Dicks system. He hadn't even know that his two friends hadn't had a drop to drink all night, that he was the one who downed the whole bottle. He'd been too busy being drunk off his ass.

"Hey, hey guys," Nightwing said, finally managing to stand up, "I gotta... I gotta go. Gotta catch all the guys. Ya know. The ones doin' the stuff."

Roy choked down his laughter to ask, "What stuff?"

"Ya know. The stuffs. That 're bad and things. Gotta catch 'em all! Like- like- pokamans! Gotta catch 'em all like da pokamans! Yea! Pikachu!"

Wally laughed so hard he cried out in pain because his sides hurt. Roy almost hurt himself when he fell to the floor again.

"I'm a go... Catch Team Rocket."

Nightwing wobbled off in the direction of the fire escape, almost getting there before Wally rushed in front of him, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Sorry dude, but we can't let you go. You're a little too tipsy to be fighting crime right now."

Wally made to grab his arm but Dick moved first, faster than he should have been. He snatched the speedsters arm and flipped him over, sending the red head across the roof. Wally hit the edge, surprise evident in his eyes. Roy stood up, eyeing his friend wearily.

"Dick," He said patiently, "You can't go out right now. You're too drunk and might get hurt. Now come here."

"Ain't gonna stop me, Speedy. I'ma go."

Wally and Roy were blocking his path instantly.

"Dude, don't make us use force."

Nightwings eyes narrowed and he stumbled towards them.

Wally turned to Roy.

"Dude, what do we do? Fight him?"

"Nah," The elder mumbled, "Just catch him. He's too drunk to put up much of a fight right now."

LALALALALALALALALALA

"_He's too drunk to put up much of a fight right now._"

"Shut up and help me get out of these ropes. And don't give me that look! How was I supposed to know that he'd still have hand eye coordination after drinking a whole bottle of Grey Goose!"

LALALALALALA

Gordon had been having a pretty decent day. He'd caught a drug dealer who was a little loose lipped and managed to find out who the supplier was. He'd gotten the supplier and put an end to that particular drug ring. Then he'd saved a shipment of girls who were being sold to some country in Asia and arrested the kidnappers responsible. After that the penguin had been trying to rob a bank, only to be stopped and taken into custody with minimal damage. And finally he was going to get home early for once.

For once, nothing had gone horrendously wrong.

"Commissioner. There's something you should see down here," his secretary's voice came in over the intercom just as Gordon was putting on his coat. He sighed.

"What is it?"

"It's... ahh... a person who was DUI sir. But-"

"That's not something I usually concern myself over, Martha. Just throw them in a cell like every other person." Hmm, wonder what Barbara is making tonight? Hope it's chicken. I'm in the mode for some chicken.

"Sir, you're really going to want to see this."

Gordon sighed and left the room, stopping only to lock the door. He'd look at it and then go straight home. Surely whoever it was could wait till morning.

"Hey Commish! How's it hangin'? Ahaha!"

Dear god.

Nightwing was literally hanging off of two cops, smiling drunkenly and giggling like a school girl. The two cops looked uncomfortable and Martha was just staring, completely unbelieving.

Gordon walked over, unsure of what the hell he was supposed to do in this situation. Call Batman? Don't call Batman? Put Nightwing in a cell? Don't put him in a cell?

"What happened?" is the first thing out of his mouth. It's the only thing he could think of at the moment because he honestly can't believe his eyes.

One of the cops, James by his name tag, explains.

"Well, sir, me and Joshua were driving down 32 when all of a sudden Nightwing drives by on his motorcycle. He was swaying and stuff so we pulled him over. Ya know, thinking he was hurt or something. When we start talking to him he starts slirring his words and we realize that he's drunk. So we ask him to get in our car and we'd take him down into the station. He says fine and he climbs in. Then we came here. We only brought him in because we didn't want him hurting himself, sir"

Gordon is still taking in the sight of Nightwing, now climbing onto Martha's desk and lying down on all her papers, completely content with just rolling around in the paperwork, humming some tune Gordon couldn't place. The Commissioner turns back to James and Joshua.

"How are you sure he's drunk?"

Joshua speaks up.

"He was singin' Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body' all the way here, sir"

Gordon sighs again and turn to Nightwing;

"Nightwing, have you been drinking? Scratch that- are you drunk?"

The Vigilante smiles and responds, "Extremely."

Gordon turns and heads upstairs. There goes his evening.

"I'm going to call Batman. For now just put him in an empty cell and make sure he stays there. Try to keep him from giving away his secret identity. I'd hate for that to get out simply because-"

"Wait!"

A gush of wind knocks papers to the floor as Kid Flash appears, looking quite disheveled. His costume is ripped and there are all sorts of stuff stuck in his hair. A second later Red Arrow is running in, apologizing for the mess. He looks no better that the other red head.

"Oh good," Red says, out of breath, "He's okay."

"I suppose you're here for him?" Gordon asks, pointing at the happy vigilante who was now skipping towards the two red heads.

"Er, yea. We kind of lost track of him and thank you for finding him. Thought he might have fallen off a building or something." Kid Flash almost falls over when Nightwing glomps him and announces his undying love for him, but in a brotherly way.

Arrow leans over and knock Nightwing in the head, growing at him to not run away again. Nightwing whimpers and looks like he might just cry. Kid pats the birds back and glares at Red Arrow, who defends himself and smacks Kid in the head too.

Gordon puts his hand up to stop this from getting any weirder.

"Look, I don't know what's going on but I'm going to call Batman to pick you all up and-"

"No!" Kid looks horrified at the suggestion, "You can't call Bats! He'll kill me and Red! Do you want to be two less superheroes?! He can't know what we did!"

Gordon gives him a stern look.

"He needs to know that two of my guys just arrested Nightwing for driving drunk. I can't just let that go."

"Yes you can," Red says.

"No, I can't"

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't"

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't"

"Yes, you can."

"Commish," They all turn to the drunken vigilante, who looked up with a serious expression on his face, "Look at it this way. If you call Batman and he find out about this then he'll blame them. If he blames them them he'll try to kill them. If he tries to kill them then their mentors will try to protect them. If their mentors try to protect them then Batman will try to kill their mentors. Then the league will start taking sides and then there will be a huge super powered war. Because of that war countries will start taking sides. If countries start taking sides then the nuclear weapons will be brought out. If the nuclear weapons are brought out about four fifths of the world population will die. If four fifths of the world population dies then the rest of the human race will mutate from the nuclear radiation. If we mutate then we won't even be called humans anymore. Do you really want to be the reason why humans will have to change our name?"

Nightwing looks completely serious.

Kid Flash and Red Arrow face palm. Gordon sighed again and decided it wasn't worth it to keep arguing and was just too tired for this crap.

"Just go," Gordon said rubbing his face, "Just leave. I won't inform Batman as long as you don't let thins happen again, okay?"

Both red heads look relieved and chirp out, "Yes sir!"

They began dragging their intoxicated friend out the door, who was starting to sing "Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me".

Gordon just hoped he wasn't too late for dinner.

LALALALALALA

"That was too freaking close!" Wally breathes, leaning against a chimney. Somehow, they'd managed to get their extremely drunk friend up onto the roof. Roy just exhaled and relaxed.

"I'm just glad we didn't get caught."

"Didn't you?"

The deep voice and billowing black cape had the two scrambling up, staring fearfully at the Dark night himself. From the floor, they heard Dick start singing;

"Busted!"

LALALALALALALALA

**It is mad late and I'm sorry if anyone seems OOC of if the dialogue is weird. Inspiration tends to strike me right when I'm planning to go to bed. Enjoy this little story.**

** I own nothing.**


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